It’s snowing here. Excuse me while I just go off into a corner of the internet and bang my head. (Ow! Ow ow ow! Okay, not really, since the internet is only hard in metaphorical, logistical, political, moral, ethical and communication ways, but doesn’t actually have any walls, except that’s a whole new set of metaphors so let’s not go there right now…)
Okay, sorry. This unfortunate incident has been brought to you by The Snowbrain Drivers of Seattle, who do not get that snow is, like, water, you know? It’s slippery! And when you smush it into the road with your hot tires and then the cold wind blows, it turns into ice! (Oh my god! You should totally have stayed awake in science class!) And guess what? If you put your car on a patch of that ice and push your gas pedal, your tires will go round and round and round and make a funny noise, and your car will go sideways!
I went to the gym early this morning, when everything was cold and still and asphalt- and tree-colored, as the world should be. When I came out of my workout, everything was cold and blowy and white. That is not how I like my immediate environment to be. If I wanted a winter wonderland, I would live in Saskatchewan (*bows in respect to all of you who are Not Like Me*). And almost immediately, many people on the road decided that the best thing to do when driving in snow is to try to outrun it. So they went faster. They tailgated. They ran the yellow lights on a left turn. And their tires made funny noises, and their cars went sideways.
I went straight from the gym to the grocery store to do all the Thanksgiving shopping. I think there were maybe ten customers there, and we all had that focused, determined look of people who know that the last loaf of bread will be gone baby gone four hours from now. Because there are going to be three inches of snow and we will all starve in our homes!
I swear, I am not making any of this up. (Edited to add: And now I have proof!)
The turkey is in the refrigerator. The car is in the driveway. I am going to have some more tea and contemplate the joy of not being on the road right now.
Enjoy your day.
THANK YOU, KELLY FOR PUTTING INTO WORDS MY VERY SAME THOUGHTS!! To all the people who say, “I hope it snows some more. It’s so pretty!” I respectfully say, “Shut up!” The only problems I’ve ever had driving in the snow were with people who shouldn’t be out there due either to their ignorance about driving in it or their bald tires. We are iced in and I have not been able to do my T.G. shopping yet. The house is clean though.
Oh, man, Kelley, some time you should try your hand at flat out comedy. I know it’s not funny going through it—because here in St. Louis we have a similar but somewhat different phenomenon—but your phrasing, your description had me laughing out loud.
In St. Louis, the problem is a bit different. It snows here every year, more in the last couple than in the last couple decades, but still. You would think people would remember from one winter to the next, but it doesn’t snow *enough* for them to (a) really learn how to drive in it or (b) remember that they failed that grade last year, so we end up with streets full of over-confident drivers who clearly got their licenses from a Cracker Jack Box.
My brother-in-law lives in Houston where it almost NEVER snows, so when it does everyone is quite civilized about it and GOES NOWHERE. The city virtually shuts down.
But the Gas Pedal Response to an unresponsive car seems universal. “If I just put in warp drive, we’ll escape the black hole and make it home by supper, before the Klingons even know we’ve been across the neutral zone!”
I love snow driving. It was always one of Zack’s favorite things to do, guess we’re blending well. I haven’t had occasion to do any yet this year, but hey, it’s Colorado, it’s gotta snow sometime.
I went to college in Missouri for two years. Each year, we had one bad ice storm during which MO drivers would go a tad insane in the way you’ve described. It was beautiful, though, and I miss it – walking through campus (gorgeous Georgian architecture) with a coating of clear ice on all the trees made me feel like I had shrunk and was walking through a glassblower’s shop. Sheer joy and wonder . . .
Glad you got to the bread in time :P.
@ Mark — all drivers should be shipped to snowy locations for a month before receiving a driver’s license. My birthday is in December, so I learned and took my test on an inch of ice. Great teaching tool.
And yes, even though the MO ice storms came every year, drivers showed no sign of ever having driven in snow before. It must be selective dysmemory . . .
very fun! thanks for the lol. 🙂
I am so angry at these drivers in Seattle I am about to explode!! So, good thing I’m off the street and in my warm, cozy house. The wind is blowing the hummingbird feeder sideways as the poor, puffed up hummigbirds try to drink from it… Where do they go at night I wonder? I hope they don’t die!! I put out some freshly made nectar so they could drink something warm… Hope it helps!
These people are unbelievable! I can’t believe all the accidents and pile-ups out there. No wonder Seattle auto insurance is so high… Brainless.
But I just went outside and walked around. Wow!! Awesome. It’s all blustery with snow swirly and gusting and the snow is getting deep! I live someplace with Weather!
favorite line: “Because there are going to be three inches of snow and we will all starve in our homes!”
this is lol funny when you live in a city that gets 160 inches a season on average.
I was wondering if you’d include the bus video. For someone living in New England, it was sort of funny but really not. The drivers had issues, sure, but what was with those lackwits marching around in the street? At the bottom of a hill? At the bottom of a steep, snowy hill that is hosting a succession of out-of-control motor vehicles doing the DUI weave? I was sure I’d see somebody on the street get turned into hamburger, not to mention the person filming it all…as a bus barrels into the power pole in front of the balcony…that little “uh oh” demonstrates a marked lack of awareness of what nearly happened.
By the way, I live at the top of a short hill that ends at a state highway and that is at least twice as steep as that hill. When the snow has started to pile up, we stay home, except if we really want to go skiing. Then we go bootleg the local ski hill, but that’s another story. Going out for food is crazy, the average American household has enough food in it to live on for six months if push comes to shove. Going out for fresh tracks makes perfect sense.