When people need shoes

I said in a recent comment that I don’t need any more lessons about the abuse of women. But I’m not sure there are ever enough reminders that there are things we can do to help stop violence against women.

One thing I like about this article is its emphasis on listening rather than telling, and on giving information and presenting options rather than prescribing behavior.

When I was studying ASL, I was part of a class project to interview one of the advocates at ADWAS (Abused Deaf Women’s Advocacy Services). She told us that one of the most important things they do is give agency to the women who come in seeking help. They make sure the woman is clear on the options available to her, and then they ask her what she needs — and believe the answer, rather than deciding for the woman what would be best for her. They’ve realized that controlling people by telling them Oh no, we know what you really need is not so different from controlling them in any other way; which control is, of course, what the woman in question is seeking to escape.

She made her point by telling us the story of a Deaf woman with two kids whose husband abused her. She came to ADWAS, and she didn’t ask for help with a restraining order, or counseling, or legal services, or a place to stay: she asked for shoes for her two-year-old. The advocate told us, “Some people in women’s shelters won’t grant this kind of request, because they worry that someone is trying to take advantage of them. They push women to make a different choice. But when we asked this client why she needed shoes, she told us that her son couldn’t walk out on his own in bare feet, and she needed him to walk so she could carry the baby. So we got her shoes.”

I still have plenty of opinions about what would be good/better/best for other people; but that interview helped me change my definition of support into something that is more about the other person than it is about me. I find as I get older that my close people and I are better at saying what we actually need: Don’t fix me, just listen, or I really want to try this so please don’t tell me that it’s not going to work. Sometimes I support people when they’re making choices that I think are boneheaded or incomprehensible. But those choices are theirs to make.

And so I like the advice in this article: express my concern, be ready with information, and then listen. It may be that my friend will make choices I don’t understand. My choice is whether or not to give her shoes if that’s what she asks for; to keep the door open to her when she doesn’t do what I wish she would.

I can’t always do that. Sometimes I do feel used or manipulated, and I close the door. That’s my choice too. It’s complicated: I don’t think we owe each other rescue at any cost to ourselves, and I also don’t want to be the person who will only help if other people are suitably “grateful” (meaning that they do it my way and then get all gushy about how my way is best).

Still finding the balance. And I’m thinking that’s true for pretty much everything.