Today’s tea-snorting moment is brought to you by cheese people.
I am fascinated by this kind of funny because (it seems to me) it’s based on the particular tension of having internalized something that I know isn’t actually true (Boys Can’t Listen! And Girls Only Talk About The Tedious Minutiae Of Other People! But Boys Have To Convince Girls They Are Listening In Order To Get Sex!). Do I think men are biologically incapable of genuinely paying attention to what’s important to someone else? Well, of course not. But is this advert funny because it’s so true? Well, kinda. So what’s that about?
Gender, gender, socialization and gender. And context, too, because thirty years ago, there would have been a subtle but inescapably hostile vibe to this ad. On some level, it would have been making fun of women, a nudge-nudge-wink-wink pretend you’re sensitive and get laid moment between the guys. But today it feels to me like a comment on culture that I can share with someone who is male-gendered (assuming they have a sense of humor) where we can both laugh from our place on the spectrum. Is that because I’ve changed, or the culture has? Is it remotely possible (please tell me it is) that we are living in times when we can see our behavior around gender roles and understand the essential wackarooni of it, even if it still works on us in the everyday moments?
Oh dear, maybe I’ve just been drinking the cheesy Kool Aid. Ah well. Time for more tea.
Enjoy your day.
Timing is everything (sometimes). This morning at the gym I overheard a group of guys talking about their wives/significant others. These were not young guys, either, all these men were easily in their 50s. They were gathered around a pair who were doing some serious training and shooting the, erm, breeze.
One of them pronounced that women never make sense, there is no logic to anything they do, and all “we guys” can do is just go with it until they get over whatever it is they’re on about. I drifted over, irresistably drawn to a moment of controversy.
The gentleman doing the training—Bill—is about 73. He’s not saying anything. Neither is the other 70-something. The three others are all coming up with anecdotes. One of them gets done with his, sees me, and says “Ain’t that right?”
I shook my head. “Sounds to me like you just aren’t paying attention.”
“Whaddaya mean?” or words to that effect.
“I couldn’t have gotten the only rational, logical, smart woman on the planet. Sounds to me like you just haven’t caught up.”
I wandered off. But I heard Bill finally say, “In other words, you’re full of shit.”
Another round of anecdotes began, the younger fellas trying to make their case all over.
Maybe it’s generational. But in my opinion, guys like this don’t listen to anyone—even themselves.
Listening is hard, whether you’re man or woman, whether your insides swirl in male or female clusters, or in a never ending mix. It’s damn hard to hear over your own noise and conditioning–if you’re noisy and perfectly conditioned. If I’m sensitive to you it’s because I know how now, because I’m honored by you, and can hear trickles inside of you, can feel your waters runnin’, and want to hear, need to hear, feel something, cries perhaps, maybe laughs–your stuff. And yeah, I’m a guy and socialized the way most guys have been from day one, and I’ve probably played the sensitive game to get laid, and then probably the insensitive one to be the bad boy—to get laid another way—so long ago. The male script, the hard, careening, listen to nothing but my needs, my groin sometimes, back-slapping, LMAO male stuff—it’s kinda funny to know I played that role. Then there’s the female stuff too, lots of it inside—feels different—less straight ahead—more nuanced—more deeply hidden, almost like long, swirling flowing hair, but also socialized, also out of some crazy can of evolution keeping my limbic system neurons firing and rewiring–keeping me “sensitive.” Bottom line for me is we keep defining ourselves the same way over and over, with little changes, incremental stuff, until we get to where we are today. So while I sit in a corner with you and chortle over how silly it all is—cheese shavings and all—I have to wonder who inside of us is watching all of this—who is the person who is laughing (finally) and seeing the silliness of it all…
Thanks for the heads up–I waited to watch this until after I’d finished my tea. Good call. And like a woman couldn’t see through his dumb “listening” face!
Love it. Just made me LOL again the second time through.
Yes, I’m afraid you’ve been drinking the Kool Aid, but fortunately you’re not the only one. Pass that stuff around.
I think everyone has a listening face, but the guy in the ad is a master at it. (grin) Anyone talking to me can spot my listening face at the very moment I become bored … my eyes slowly begin to cross (but still, I keep that face plastered on). I’m game even when I’m bored. Mum
Thanks for your comments, Mark. I love that peek into gym life.