I have the same knee-jerk instinct to avoid extensive conversations about spirituality that I do for endless talking about politics: 90+ percent of the time they end up being an exchange of position statements which may even escalate into a full-out debate (oh goody, one of my favorite ways to spend time). In other words, people are so busy defending their own beliefs (as if disagreement constituted attack) that they stop listening. The first thing that often goes out the window is acceptance that other people really can be different. They’re not just stupid or ignorant or evil or trying to wind you up: they can actually think and feel and behave differently about important things.
I’m a big fan of the concept (which I first saw expressed in this post by Bob Sutton) of “strong opinions, weakly held” — the idea (see Sutton’s sidebar) that I should fight as if I am right and listen as if I am wrong.
I am still working on this. I find help from Nicola (which doesn’t surprise me at all) and from my screenwriting experiences (which has surprised me extremely).
Until fairly recently — probably until into my 40’s — I was invested in being Right About Things. Not because I needed to win arguments, but because I preferred to avoid them. And so my “rightness” was not about strong opinions, it was about weak ones. My strategy was to keep my opinions weak because it meant that I was flexible; that there was room for other ideas in my world. I didn’t get that real flexibility happens only when I have boundaries, beliefs, a firm center from which I am then willing to really question and really listen to the answers.
Which is why I find so much joy and hope and value in this post by Roger Ebert about death and what may, or may not, happen afterward. I love his curiosity, his acceptance, and his willingness to just let people be who they are. And to let himself be who he is, too, without apology or justification. There’s a great sense in his writing of This is who I am right now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be a little different. Wouldn’t that be interesting?
And then there’s this part of Ebert’s post that particularly speaks to me:
I drank for many years in a tavern that had a photograph of Brendan Behan on the wall, and under it this quotation, which I memorized:
I respect kindness in human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don’t respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
For 57 words, that does a pretty good job of summing it up. “Kindness” covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end of it all, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.
— Roger Ebert
Part of what I’m learning right now is that I can’t make myself happier if I don’t have my own strong ideas about what that means, and if I’m not clear about it to other people. I can’t make others happier if I don’t listen to what would make them happy.
But for me the tricky part is to have strong ideas, weakly held, without sacrificing the strength of the things I know are truly right for me. To accept that I’m different from you, and that I can be right for myself even if I’m not “right” for you. Or maybe the better word is true — to be true to myself without having to be “right” about it in some greater sense. To accept that this is who I am today, and maybe tomorrow I’ll be different.
Hmm, I’m not so sure how to say all the things I mean yet. And yes, I’d love to hear what you think. But even more than that, I’d love for you to do something today that makes you happy. Of that I am certain.
Just reading this made me happy.
Rhbee, I like that better than any comment, you’ve ever left here.
This is a very thought provoking post, and i have been thinking a lot about life/death, kindness, happiness of late. And, I was thinking I didn’t have the brain power today to respond, but let me just join in to say that it did make me think — what can I do to make someone else happy today? (nothing at this moment) or myself happy? (maybe I’ll go see Star Trek tomorrow) And I’ll join Rhbee and say…
Me, too.
I was very curious, so I looked it up in my unabridged dictionary. Kind means gentle, tender, caring, compassionate. It also means the same nature or group and used to mean the same gender. I suppose we start by loving our own kind first and hopefully it rubs off to others. Like r and J, the thing I did today that made me happy was to read your post. Thanks
Kindness to others, to animals is key. Recently, I’ve met three women from the same family who are unkind and mean. And not temporarily either. It took a while to learn this is who they are and how they operate in the world.
And even though I allow them their povs, I also allow myself to get the hell away from them whenever our paths cross.
A certain peace comes over me having read your post, the simplicity of kindness, and the value of our own happiness and that of others. Thank you. And thanks for the deep questions you raise about being right, holding strong opinions softly.
You know, Kel, it strikes me after the press club dinner that in Obama we actually have a president that follows that dictum. Stong opinions, lightly and weakly held.