More adventures in DIY

29 November 2012

Last year I recounted my journey into the electric territory of HandyWorld, the magical land where MacGyverish folk fix their own stuff with apparent ease. Now I have returned from an expedition into the realm of plumbing.

Our kitchen faucet has been getting fussy for a while. This week, because I was stressed about other things, I decided that the best way to exert control over my universe was to begin taking apart the faucet to find the problem. This turned out to be a bad idea.

Nicola: What are you doing?
Me: I am fixing our fucking faucet.
Nicola: I thought you had a lot of things to get done today.
Me: Mmmmrrrph. Must fix faucet!


Nicola: Did you fix the faucet?
Me: You can still turn it on and off. With pliers.
Nicola: Mmmmrrrph.
Me: It’s okay. The handyguys are coming tomorrow to fix (insert list of projects here) so I will get them to fix it.

The next day…

Handyguy: Oh, sure, I can fix that. Gee, does this part go here? Huh. It doesn’t fit. LET ME JUST POUND IT WITH THIS HAMMER.
(insert sound of faucet innards cracking apart)
Me: Mmmmrrrph.

After they leave…

Nicola: Shall we get a plumber?
Me: Plumbers are expensive! I am going to replace the fucking faucet myself!
Nicola: …..I’m going into my office now.

She went into her office and closed the door. I went to Lowe’s and bought a faucet. I got out my flashlight and my toolbox and a bucket and a towel. I looked at the clock. I had two hours to replace the faucet before my schedule completely imploded (which, you know, would probably have meant the end of western civilization at least).

I crawled under the sink and went to work.

Me: Hmmm… (furrowed brow)
Me: Ah ha! (raised eyebrow of realization)
Me: Fuck! (wet face of the improper supply line connection)
Me: Mmmmrrrph! (after banging head for third time on same pipe)

And then I turned on the faucet and filled the kettle and made two lovely cups of tea.

Nicola: You are awesome!
Me: (beam).

And I am enjoying my illusion of control, until the next time the universe decides to stop up the toilet or turn out the lights (grin).

The old faucet lies vanquished.


It’s dark in here…


No guts, no glory…


Behold my triumph!

Enjoy your day. I wish you no leaks and good tea.


8 Responses to “More adventures in DIY”

  1. Nicola Griffith on November 29th, 2012 10:32 am

    You are super mega very awesome!

  2. Jill S. on November 29th, 2012 10:56 am

    Oh what a cool story! Way to take on the dragon!

  3. James on November 29th, 2012 10:59 am

    Nice. My in-house (not-so-)handyperson recently engineered a similar triumph over a troublesome bathtub faucet. She felt great about it, and now I know what a deep-wall socket set is.

  4. Barrett on November 29th, 2012 11:11 am

    Kelley is the Current Queen of the Universe! Woot!

    (it does feel good to do that, doesn’t it?)

  5. Rebecca S on November 29th, 2012 2:03 pm

    Good job! (And good story!) Awesomeness, for sure.

  6. Jude on November 29th, 2012 2:29 pm

    Wasn’t there a movie…

    Great job!

  7. Pia in Minneapolis on November 29th, 2012 5:48 pm

    Sigh, congratulations.

  8. Kelley on November 29th, 2012 9:21 pm

    Thank you all very much indeed! I am still feeling the flush of temporary control over my environment.

    And PS, the whole deep-socket thing is awesome. Who knew? It really is so much about having the right tools for the job, and then that particular zen approach to the result….