Friday pint

2 Responses to “Friday pint”

1. Barbara Sanchez on August 15th, 2008 8:37 am

   I think I told you before that among other things. I’m an identical twin. We learned to deal with negative conflict with each other by negotiating and collaborating. Of course it didn’t hurt that we loved each other. I still deal the same way, especially at work. It’s easy to piss people off, or corner them or trap them into being extreme. It’s much harder, as you say, to play and work together, asserting our individuality at the same time as weaving together our community.

2. Kelley on August 15th, 2008 3:24 pm

   It is hard, for sure. And it distresses me that (generalization alert!) so many women don’t seem to find the balance that allows for assertion of self as well as making space for others.

   And yet it also annoys me that so many people (often the non-negotiators of the world) operate as if they can’t help it, they just aren’t “wired that way.” But I think we can all learn to play nicely when we need to. It’s behavior. It’s a choice. Not that we should be doormats — I just think that sometimes the “first strike” approach is really unnecessary, but it seems to be the default for many folks.

   *Shakes head*.

   What’s interesting for me the last couple of years is learning more about positive conflict — about fighting with people in ways that don’t leave everyone bloody. Nicola and I prefer not to “fight,” and I didn’t grow up fighting with people (i was one of those nice quiet girls).

   But now I’m working in Hollywood. And I was braced. I thought people would be rude and abrasive and nasty. But instead I’ve found people who are respectful of me and my work, and who also fight hard for their position about what needs to happen with the script. So my executive producer and I end up in raised-voice telephone conversations that drive Nicola to her office to turn up the music — but it’s fine. We like each other, we respect each other, and sometimes we yell. That has never before been my experience in a relationship that I think of as a good one.

   An eye-opener, for sure. A really good lesson for me in learning that raised voices don’t have to mean disrespect or dislike or some kind of ultimatum.