Hi, I saw the reply about you and Nic separating and was wondering, what makes your relationship work? It’s very rare to hear about couples succeeding in the long term — and you two still seem very happy, passionate, and seem to genuinely like each other. 🙂
Also, (if it’s not too personal) I was wondering why you chose not to have children? By the way, I love both yours and Nicola’s work and can’t wait until “Always” comes out next April and the “Solitaire” movie is out! Thanks for everything!
Candace
I’m not the goddess of all relationship wisdom (that would be Carolyn Hax). I don’t know that I have anything profound to say about it except that we love each other and we make it work. And that I think most of the credit belongs to Nicola.
There’s a story in a book called Fierce Conversations about a “typical marriage” (Is there such a thing? Who knew?) in which a husband wonders why his wife keeps wanting to talk about their relationship all the time. Couldn’t they just have one giant conversation about it every once in a while and move on? And then it finally occurs to him that the conversation isn’t about the relationship: the conversation is the relationship.
Nicola and I have a lot of conversations. Some are more fun than others. Some are very, very hard, but I know down to my toes it is better to have them than to keep silent. Knowing this has changed my criteria for important relationships. I don’t offer intimacy of any kind to people who aren’t willing to have the conversation.
We don’t have children because Nicola has multiple sclerosis, and because we decided that we would rather focus on taking care of each other than taking care of a child. I believe if we had a child, I wouldn’t have much of a life right now beyond service to the needs of others, and that’s not enough for me. Nicola and I would maybe not have had time for all those conversations (and beer, and writing, and exploring, and adventures…). I don’t regret any of that. I do occasionally mourn the lack of relationship with a teenage and adult child –- I think I’d have enjoyed that very much, found it very rewarding. No choice without loss.
We’re looking forward to Always (a fun, fine, fierce book, wonderful stuff). And wouldn’t it be fun to have the lights go down and Solitaire come up? I get a lot of pleasure imagining it….