This week I heard a piece on NPR about Giving Anonymously, a nonprofit organization that allows anyone to make an anonymous gift to someone you know who is in need but may be too proud to accept your gift in person.
You provide GA the recipient’s mailing address and your credit card number. They contact the person and then send them a check; and ask them to call a toll-free number to leave a voicemail message to verify receipt. They then send you an mp3 of the call so you know your gift is complete. You can hear the NPR piece on the Giving Anonymously website, including some of the messages from people who bought food, medicine for their children, the stuff of daily life.
GA was started by a Washington couple whose neighbor helped them pay their rent one month. They wanted to facilitate individual giving — to family, friends, neighbors — without the sometimes relationship-straining awkwardness that can happen face-to-face, when personal pride and cultural notions collide with need and the very real human desire to help.
I don’t know what it’s like for you, but I grew up with the notion that we solved our own problems and didn’t ask for help. Admitting need was admitting vulnerability; and we were vulnerable enough without admitting it. I still have trouble asking for help sometimes, and even more trouble accepting it gracefully: I often feel the need to rebalance the scales. Nicola points out to me often that people give because they want to: not to feel superior to me, but to feel connected with me, and to feel as though they’ve made my life a little easier. I understand that: when I help, that’s exactly why I do it. So why is it so much harder to receive than it is to give?
I’m fine: I have wonderful family and friends and neighbors who will help me when I need it, whether it’s a home repair or a hot meal or a gift of money. But if you know someone in need who doesn’t have that support, or doesn’t know how to accept it, then here’s a way you can give that demands no tipping of the scales between you. They’ll never know who loved them enough to help them: they’ll just know that someone does.
You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.
— Robert Louis Stevenson
And it’s not just about being able to write a check. It’s being able to touch somebody’s life.
— Oprah Winfrey
I feel this is a big thing missing from our modern society. We no longer take care of each other, whether it’s the neighbor down the street, a colleague at work, or the nearest public school.
I understand the need for government programs, but we’ve gotten so used to expecting government to handle everything, that we don’t get involved in our own communities. After all, we pay taxes and give to charity – that should be enough, right?
If you look at the big picture, there are so many needs, it’s overwhelming. It can be cathartic to help with a nearby problem and really see the difference you’ve made. Giving anoumonously is fun to do, too. There’s a real freedom in staying in the background to watch how your gift helps.
Not to mention, the very real benefit that you won’t end up on fifty mailing lists and be forever bombarded with pleas for more money… (that’s a bit cynical, but it’s true).
Marlene, I agree that we no longer take care of each other very much. One of the complaints libertarians have about government programs is that they tend to discourage people from donating within their communities. I think there’s some truth to this, and we lose the emotional satisfaction of helping out those close to us.
Anonymous Giving sounds like an interesting idea, but I wonder what percentage of intended recipients either refuse to accept the gift or decide not to cash the check or whatever, due to the same pride. As Kelley said, for many people, it’s so much harder to receive than to give.
Marlene, it really is a loss that caretaking is no longer one of the foundations of community in this culture. Or perhaps it’s that our traditional notions of community are no longer operative. It’s tricky when so much of our sense of self, of personal identity, is based on individual accomplishment. It makes accepting help an automatic “identity debit.” In my younger days, I could become quite angry and defensive when offered help — my immediate internal response was I don’t need your help!. And what I was really saying was I am strong/smart/skilled enough to take care of myself, and if I’m not, I sure don’t want anyone to point it out. Such a destructive dynamic.
And I don’t think you’re cynical. One of the things that is hard for me about giving to charities is that I want to give because I am moved to, not because I am asked to. I actually think this is Not A Good Way To Be, because it reflects how much I’ve internalized the whole cultural nonsense about giving, and how much the charities have internalized it too — they need to “prove” to me over and over and over again that their recipients are “deserving” and their need is great.
Steve, I seem to remember hearing in the interview that some people do reject the gift, but that most do not. Or maybe that’s just my intuition talking. From my perspective on the giving/receiving dynamic, the combination of genuine love (this person knows me) and anonymity is a genius approach — because it makes clear that the giver seeks no power over the recipient. In this culture, people so often expect gratitude for doing anything that benefits someone else… it was my assumption that people expected me to be “grateful,” and to demonstrate it, that made me resist accepting help for so long. Because I never knew how to walk that line between “thank you” and “now I am vulnerable to you.”
Kelley – I was looking for another link and happened to find you this evening. Thank you for what you wrote here. It’s beautiful. My husband and I feel really honoured to be apart of what you described. (He is the one you heard on NPR.)
To answer Steve’s question – about 5% of the gifts end up being undeliverable. Either because a donor gave a wrong address or because people refuse the gift.
If you have any other questions feel free to email us, too, at lionel@givinganon.org.
Warmly, Misha
Misha, thanks for stopping by and answering the question. I really do love what you’re doing, and I hope it continues to grow and spread. Thanks and best wishes to you both.
I am actually one of probably many families that are in need. We are a military family that needs help. Does anyone know of someone willing to help?
Amy, it seems to me that most people help people that they know, or people in their local area. I would talk to friends and family, to your neighbors if you know them, and to the military organizations in your area — all of the services have support operations of some kind for families. Start asking around. And good luck to you.