I should be working right now on Sterling Editing projects, on my new screenplay, on keeping my little corner of the internet here bright and shiny (otherwise known as, Dude, where’s the content?; to which the writer answers In the small part of my brain that isn’t doing Everything Else…).
And I am working, mostly. But also, I am thinking about the turn my life has taken in the last year; or should I say, the dive. Not a dive as in a drop into negative space, although I’ve definitely spent part of the last 12 months in freefall, and that’s been no fucking fun. But that’s not important. It doesn’t really matter when or how we fall, or why, because we all do. What matters is where and how we land.
Ishita Gupta wrote earlier this year about lessons she’s learned. It’s the list of a person who likes to grow, and I recognize that. I’ve spent an enormous part of my life growing my way toward myself, looking for pieces of myself in everything from boarding school to driving a delivery truck in Chicago to ASL to… well, I’ve been a lot of places.
But these days I find I am not traveling wider so much as deeper. Diving down farther into my writing, my marriage, and an increasingly unsentimental understanding of myself that is surprisingly liberating. I’m learning simple things:
- I am not more special for doing good stuff years ago. I am not less special in spite of some really spectacular stupid behavior. I own it all, and it’s all part of the mix, but it’s not where I live. I’m making plenty of choices now that I can celebrate or beat myself up about, if I really need to.
- I’d rather celebrate.
- I choose who to answer to.
- I have some powerful amazing brilliant things to do. I will do the fucking work.
- I can’t have whatever I want, but I be whatever I want.
- Shakespeare really was a genius, and I want to play Lady Mac on a professional stage before I die. (Hah. Bet you didn’t see that one coming. I’ll explain some other time.)
I told Nicola over lunch today that I was still looking for a way to bring all these ideas together. Oh, she said, You mean that you’ve figured out the essential parameters of who you are and now you’re going to explore that. And I said, Well, yeah, and ate my sandwich.
So there we are. For what it’s worth, I feel like the universe shoved me hard spang right into myself, and I really, really want to stick this landing.
What are you learning these days?
Thanks for pointing that article out, it was interesting. I especially liked the comment about “get real things done that matter”. It is so easy to get swept up in the insanity, moving at warp speed. As I get older I am learning to let the nonsense fall by the wayside.
I have been reflecting more on the possibilities of life and how my priorities have changed. The past few years have been hard, a lot of loss but some truly challenging and rewarding experiences. I welcome the challenges and hope that they continue to come.
Good luck with that landing!
There is no compensation in this world for my disappointments. But if I hadn’t been so passionate about some stuff, I wouldn’t be disappointed, so I guess it’s a catch 22. I can never seem to be calm, centered and well balanced. Ican talk. I can write. But suprisingly, the thing I can do best is listen. Who would have believed it.
This may come across a bit negative, but it’s not really because I can do something with the knowledge (you can’t do much of anything in ignorance): I’ve discovered that I don’t actually know what Happy is.
The only time I’m okay with myself is when I’m in the middle of doing something I believe in, that I’m passionate about. But it almost manifests as a void—I’m at the center of a hurricane, so to speak, and all is an absence. When I’m really into it (like with music, when the playing is really fine) I remember the effect but not the actual doing. I’m pleased about that, but am I happy with it? I don’t know.
It may be because our—or my—definitions of Happy are hopelessly shallow or facile. I rarely am at a point where I can feel content to sit back and appreciate what I’ve done. I never seem to feel content. It may be that the goals I’ve set simply haven’t been reached, or it may be that what I’ve grown up to expect from what we call Happy isn’t concrete or tangible or accurate. I’m always thinking about the Next Thing and that thinking comes with a sort of agitation that is often uncomfortable.
But what disturbs me is that the juice I get from doing a certain something, be it writing or playing or working out or drawing or whatever, doesn’t alleviate the weariness I get sometimes from the actual doing. Walking away from these things, though, leaves me at such loose ends that any “vacation effect” is inadequate.
Then of course is the assessment of what I’ve done—and by the time I can stand back and say “Hey,. that was pretty cool” the benefit to my psyche from a task well done is short-lived and usually ephemeral.
Maybe just the urge to go on to the next thing is my functional equivalent of Happy. I don’t know.
“get real things done that matter” I hadn’t recognized that as a kind of recent mantra until seeing the words here today. I am bringing order to the house in Maine my grandfather bought in 1917. At first I’m a western gal flummoxed by a windowsill green with mildew. But I ask around and find out Pinesol does the trick, or distilled vinegar if you prefer. So I clean the window sills which was yesterday’s real thing that matters. Then I sit the rest of the day with my grandmother’s amazing collection of postcards in an album and wish I could read the Finnish on the back. Today it’s raining so I can’t put musty bedcovers out to air in the sun. This gives me permission to read old letters awhile and muse in my journal about generations of letter writers…then the real thing done: sort through the six toasters found in the attic and find one that works. Discard the rest. Read and reach, do and discard…all the time meaning hovers.
This is a good one. I can relate to some of what everyone has said. And no, I, for one, didn’t see that Lady Mac one coming, but it doesn’t really surprise me either. : )
I’ve always thought of myself as a ‘person who likes to grow,’ as well as one who works at that. But. Lately I’ve discovered I haven’t grown or learned as much as I thought I had. I’ve found myself asking myself questions that I suddenly realize are familiar – questions that I’ve asked/answered years ago. And that may be the biggest thing I’ve learned lately. And I wasn’t exactly pleased to notice that, but maybe the questions have to be continually reexamined because things change/I change.
I’d rather celebrate. : )
I need nature even more than I thought I did.
I need other people even more than I thought I did.
Because beauty and joy are significantly better when shared. And it’s ok to admit I feel that way.
And I’ve been thinking about how much I have been telling myself a big lie. The lie that if I just work hard on this one thing for 2-3 years, then I will be able to make time for the things/people I really want to do. Because ‘then’ never comes. Or to paraphrase Ishita Gupta – be careful or you just might waste your life away with bullshit.
I’ve figured out some things lately, but I’m still trying to figure out how to pull it all together. Huh, sounds familiar.
Maybe I’m re-learning things I thought I knew, or maybe I ignored the truth before because I didn’t like it.
And that’s ok, because. I’m not done yet.
I’ve learned…
Everything that happens is for my best interest.
Our thoughts create what we see.
Perception is faulty.
Who is this I who sets goals?
What’s a goal?
Is there a way we can go deeper and care for one another, even complete strangers, without fear? Or is it still all about me and getting?
These are some really fine responses to your question Kelley. I’ll try to get this out right.
I’m approaching the end of the back 40, I’ve done a lot, both good and bad a lot. I own it all even the lightening strikes. like a brain blows up and other stuff that I’ll not cite here but a lot of stuff has gone down in my life with me right there seeing it all. Some things I really didn’t have any control over.
I’ve been through a lot, some of it not too gracefully and some so cool that I couldn’t believe that was me who did that. A lot of that actually.
I spent a lot of years being really mad because my life was rudely intterupted and it was wrecking all of my life since then too. I walked right into that wall in myself that said enough. stop this get a grip. It was right there in that spot that I could understand forgiveness. To date my most treasured lesson.
I didn’t just let go of my anger I actually forgave the atrocities perpetrated on me by my protector, my mother.
I sorted through shit in me like you go through a relatives house after they die. I lived each thing to see how it fit on me now well then not now because I started this process a long time ago. Some things were really hard to own I mean really hard.
Feeling my way back into my society was one of the hardest things because the whole thing changed during the years I was recovering. I had to learn a whole new language. People aren’t called lovers anymore now they’re partners, what a nightmare and it sort of chased me inside where I nearly lost it completely, the desire to live. Not just because of that but the culture shock the loss of ability to do things let alone reintegrate. I didn’t think I could ever be happy again it was written out, that bit.
I couldn’t be around people very much because what used to be an acerbic wit turned vicious. I was too angry to be with anyone.
I didn’t go through this completely alone but pretty much.
I discoverd that some long held hatreds about my mother were hurting me not her or her ghost. I had to get over the shit she did to me if I wanted anything real at all.
Turns out that what is real and satifying for me is to have a real relationship with my own family, a few really good friends and the rest of the time I want to be here doing what I’m doing now. I say what it all is in my space.
Getting a computer saved my life. It created connections that I wasn’t able to have without it. Over time that has brought me a certain kind of happiness.
Music makes me happy. I was always best when involved with music in some way. Oh I was good at my job and I always say that is what I miss most but looking back on it now I think I’d rather be where I am to where I would be now if I had continued to be that overly efficient perfectionist with a job that really demanded someone like me doing it.
As a side note I see the whole industry going to hell so I wouldn’t have been happy with that association I’ll tell you. But the thought that gets in line after that is my corner of it wouldn’t be going to hell. .
What I believe is that there are varying degrees of things that create happiness. I think we give it to ourselves once we learn how to do that. I’ll go so far as to say I believe we’re in charge of that. It’s how we deal with what we encounter or engages us each that tells us who we are inside. Introspective as I am I don’t leave others out during my diliberations about myself. I’ve been to a place where I did do that and looking back I don’t like that place, it’s too isolated, I am a human being after all. I need to connect, interact.
Well a bunch of cliches’ are cropping up now so I’ll quit, i can just hear the collective whew for the folks who carried on this long.
As everything is though it’s fleeting, things happen to change the configurations we accept as reality So we have to always be adjusting, like bowling you have to coordinate and adjust all the parts all the time and then execute and you’re still adjusting until you go of the ball. .
I don’t think happiness is anything more than realizing who you are and being that to the very best you can. Give yourself permission to let the stuff go that stands in the way of that.
Make Peace
I’m learning that although Nauthiz and Hagalaz felt like forever, they weren’t, that Jera does exist, and that much of Jera is dependent on your state of mind.
And that after it all, I really am the luckiest person I know.
Thanks for posting the Ishita Gupta “Lessons Iâve learned” link.
I find the advice very help right now.
After an altercation with a co-worker this morning, we have added to the Laws of Life list:
17. Leave the storm its own devices, and let it drift then as it may. (mine)
18. If all you can come away with is a partial victory, freakin’ run with it. (J’s)