I have said before that I think Carolyn Hax is made of awesome sauce, and, well, here I am to say it again with two recent columns that made me talk back to my computer screen (You go, Carolyn!)
The first column starts out being about elevator rudeness, but read the entire column (which is an ongoing conversation). Really, we’re talking about what tolerance means, and how assumptions and judgments hurt people. I’ve had plenty of personal experience of this, and so has Nicola, and you know what? All you people who have ever rolled your eyes at her because she doesn’t look sick enough to meet your standards can just fuck off.
I don’t know why people feel entitled to get up in the face of strangers who are making non-hurtful-to-anyone-else choices about how to spend their time and energy. I think it must be a spirit-bruising way to live. I can put on my Judge Judy pajamas with the best of them, but I am trying harder to save it for times when people are hurting each other, not just themselves.
Robert Heinlein said, “Hurting yourself isn’t sinful, just stupid.” I don’t like the word “stupid” — it means something particular to me and I hesitate to apply it across the board this way. Because we’ve all made choices that hurt ourselves. And sometimes it really is stupid, and sometimes it’s just… I don’t know. Sometimes it’s just learning. Which seems to me to be the opposite of stupid.
But deciding whether other people have a “right” to take the elevator or not is stupid.
Here’s my other helping of Hax for you today: why do people protect their bitterness? I’ve got bitter slippers in my closet just like everyone else (they like to snuggle up to those Judy Judy pajamas…) but mostly, I prefer to wear the Cloak of Everyday Happiness and drink champagne and appreciate kindness when I find it in the world.
It’s raining in Seattle. Nicola and I went to the park anyway. We got very wet. Because of the rain, Nicola wore her hat again. People walking by in the park tend to either avert their eyes when they see her in this hat, or smile tenderly (seriously — tenderly), and we finally figured out it’s because they think she’s a chemotherapy patient. At least they don’t roll their eyes.
Enjoy your day.
Two scoops of Carolyn Hax was just what I needed tonight. Thanks.
And here’s to, “the possibility of surprise, be it pleasant or un-.”
I would’ve thought there’d be lots of that kind of that kind of hat wearing in the PNW.
And soon I’ll observe for myself. 🙂
Oh, and I meant to say, you know you can turn off that emoticon thing in WordPress if you want to, right? At least I can on my thing.
Thank you, Kelley.
Two things I remember. A decade or two ago in a university class there came about a heated discussion regarding nuclear power. Three students were for it and twenty-five were vehemently opposed. Then the teacher did something interesting. She said, ‘for those opposed, please give us three concrete, logical arguments for why you feel this way.’
Silence.
And the other comes from Madonna. When asked what is the most misunderstood thing about her, she said, without missing a beat, ‘People think I can’t hear them.’ And, ‘People think it doesn’t hurt.’
I wish you a happy day. I like N.’s hat. I like that you both laughed at the rain. x
I’m one of those “invisible” people. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I don’t look in the least sick or crippled. But I’ve learned a couple of things from the experience of having a real serious problem while not looking like there was anything wrong with me:
1)Some people are judgmental, but not that many, at least not on the Boston public transit system. They’re just trying to hang onto a strap and not get crushed on their way to work. If you got that seat, fuck you you bastard, but hey that’s life and I would have taken it if I had the chance myself. Why did you want that seat? I don’t know, why do I want it? My feet hurt, I’m tired, I want to read my book, whatever, they’re all good reasons. Not my business why you wanted the seat.
2)The dealotrons that I use up in getting from point A to point B with a limb that feels about like it’s been fractured or dislocated (yup, I have data points on that) leave me with absolutely no give-a-shit left when it comes to the attitude of any irrelevant random who might think that I shouldn’t be taking that seat or that elevator or that whatever. Their opinion is sooooooooo far down on my list of worries that it really might as well not exist. I think maybe that’s related to protecting your bitterness (or ceasing to). Some “bitterness” in life we can’t just let go of; some we can. I understand the impulse to hang on to it (Robert Merkin wrote a great, great fictionalization of this in “Zombie Jamboree”), and it is perfectly logical given certain kinds of experiences…it’s just not very helpful. This is where the mind needs to override the heart (or the instincts, or the reactions, or whatever). As I realized some time ago, if your hands are full of shit, you can’t reach out for anything good.
Actually, awhile back you posted something about people not being where they expected to be in life. I responded w/a comment ending in “Why settle for the expected when you can get the un-?”
I’m an abuse survivor, I have DID, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, genetic beriberi, nerve damage, brain damage, and an arthritis/ fatigue disorder . . . and my life freakin’ rocks. Now granted, I put the thirteen years work into finding the right med combo – a process involving numerous med changes and multiple doctors and which was not always fun – but I knew if I put the work in, it’d all come together. And yeah, I never now how many people I will be from day to day (we’re working on integration), but that just makes every day a new adventure.
. . . And frankly, the people out there who think having DID makes me “crazy” have a hell of a lot more than I do and are a hell of a lot less happy with their lives — so who here is the insane?
This is the beauty of Stoicism — you don’t spend time thinking about getting what you want, you focus your energy on wanting what you get. It takes brutal honesty with yourself and it’s tough to learn, but the payoff is well worth it .
ummmmmmmmmm, you know Kelley I’m really finding life much more worth sharing with others since I’ve decided to give peace a real chance. It wasn’t arbitrary, it was a decision that I had to think about, whether or not I cared enough to consider what other people felt or how our lives would impact each other given certain criteria or circumstances. No particular person/s based on any boxes anyone may fall into because of how society labels everyone in some way, but just people across the board.
Once I made the decision to be at peace the rest just fell into place and I began what I think of as my real education. That was really only a few years ago and I’ve tripped over plenty of stuff in the road as I continue on this course. I’ve found that even in this condition I can get up and go on without tossing my misstep into anyone else’s lap. I don’t go out very much because it’s very difficult physically and if anyone should say something or look at me in any certain way I’d shine them on. God Damn that took a long time to get to.
I have to say that it even feels really good when I see how much I’ve grown from my diffculties into a person that I’d really wish I’d been a lot sooner in this incarnation. The thing that I think was the most helpful for me to reach this place was to understand that I was doing a whole lot of judging when I carried on about what some people thought of what I look like and what I should or shouldn’t be doing about it.
I realized that only me and my doctor knows that my overweight is medication based. I have been on a med for almost 30 years that is directly responsible for most of my overweight. I got to a point where it didn’t matter to me whether or not I looked any certain way. I decided that I would eat what I want when I want and not worry about the consequences based on what others thought. I wan’t going to be able to change any outcome by eating better. I became unwilling to give that power to hurt me to strangers who know nothing of my journey. I don’t need to debate my value based on any knee jerk response to me by some jerk/s.
If anyone looks/ed judgmentally at me in an elevator I’d look right bak at them and ask what are you looking at and why. If they were honest and told me then I’d ask why they’re on the damn thing why aren’t you taking the stairs? But that’s the old me now I really don’t care what people think based on their ignorance of my condition. That’s not to say I wouldn’t be willing to try to explain the reason I’ve grown heavy if there was a real interest in my health rather than a desire to judge. .
I’ve always championed causes that are directly about freedom. I have come at that from many a stance and other ways of presenting the idea that true freedom relies on your own behavior. People do what they see or are touched by unless they’re of the ilk that don’t ‘see’ or allow themselves to be touched by anything. I can’t imagine a whole life like that though.
What I think happens to people who judge others on sight is to reveal fear of what they may become if something unforseen comes into their life. I don’t think there is any awareness in this just un-named fear and knee jerk reaction to it. So I have come to believe that politeness has real value and use. I’m human and I make mistakes all the time but I own up when I’m there and that I think is the difference in behavior, learning from our own mistakes, our own knee jerk reactions to certain things based on events in our personal journeys.
I’ve done a lot of traveling on the net, it’s been my true connection to the world for a long time now and I appreciate that it’s available to me or I might have shot myself years ago. I need and want people and I’m ot ashamed to admit that. Happy hat wearing Nicola and happy being beside her Kelley. It will be Friday before another day comes so have a good Friday and then all the days after that. I guess I want to close by saying not to give ignorance any power over you.