Lin Yutang, The Importance of Living

I can relate to this too, and I think about it more and more lately. Odd though that I have the words switched in my mind. I feel like I am very good at resting. Like I do it way too much. But I rarely ever completely relax because I’m thinking of all the things I should be doing. And THEN after I get that endless list of things finished, I’ll be able to truly relax. And that relaxing might not include actual resting – physical resting. For instance relaxing for me might include a hike. The thing is I never feel fully rested or relaxed because of that list.

I can’t even see something beautiful and just enjoy it. I think, ‘I should take a picture of this’. Last night I made it home in time to sit out side and watch an unusually beautiful sunset. but I couldn’t just sit there, I had to go get my camera even though I wasn’t in a good spot for photos.

And I think that I (and most of us) don’t get enough sleep. And it is making me age faster than necessary (among other things).

But I did, not too many lifetimes ago, take an entire year to do nothing productive, nothing planned, nothing that may have gotten me anywhere in my career or furthered my education or looked good on my resume or made my parents proud. I enjoyed the experience immensely. I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t been alone in every sense: no contact with my family or old friends, no lovers, no partners — just me and sometimes not even me. In a way, I had to lose all previous reference to what mattered, what was expected of me, what I thought I ought to do with my time and mind, the responsibilities that came with all the privileges I’ve been given in life.

I’m not sure it’s fair to put the people who care about me through the Cone of Silence, so I probably won’t be doing the no-contact thing again. I would, however, love to find my way back to that place of rest every once in a while without having to cut the phone and email lines and move to another country where I can reinvent myself and my priorities. Balance would be good, balance and pause to just ‘be’ without having to ‘become’ anything for myself or others.

I could hear the buzz of bees in that garden and smell that particularly English scent and hear that old childhood drone that only seemed to occur in summer, of a small plane passing overhead.

I’ve been unemployed now since the end of March and will be moving away from a place that I sometimes can believe was designed exactly to my dream of the perfect place to live. It does fill my senses – but it doesn’t nurture me in a practical sense. I have always struggled to find employment here, hence the foray into mining exploration.

I’m going “back” to Victoria, specifically the Mornington Peninsula where my son, Keegan, still lives. He’s excited and happy. I’m kind of struggling with that whole going back concept. Not to mention the practical – packing up again and moving interstate.

I enjoyed standing still for a moment in that soft, scent-filled garden…