Screen and short stuff

Long time, no pint.

Congratulations on finishing your FIRST screenplay! This is very exciting stuff! What’s the title? What is it about? I’m working on a family drama called A Simple Kind of Man. Did you happen to catch the Screenwriting Expo in October?

Out of left field and rambling (grin)… Perhaps I should stop by more often and hoist back a few with everyone else?

Cheers!

Lindsey


It’s feeling like old home week in the virtual pub (grin). Glad to see you again, Lindsey.

I’m excited about the screenplay, and wish I could talk more about it right now –” but it’s Out In The World as we speak, and I think it’s best to let that process play out before I start slinging details. Although right now it seems that everyone has left Hollywood for the holidays so the process is that the screenwriter sits and waits.

Not that I’m bored. I’m working on a new short story for a collection that I hope will be out next spring –” I’ll post details as soon as the publisher and I have a contract. For those who follow my short fiction, the new story is about Mars (a character about whom I have written before, not the planet). I love the Mars stories and am delighted to be living inside one again for a while.

I’m also working on new screenplays. Regardless of what happens with the one that’s under submission right now, I’m serious about walking through this door that’s been opened for me –” and that means plunging right into the next thing. I’ve got some ideas. Now I have to swim. Robert Frost said in a poem that “work is play for mortal stakes,” and that has never been more true for me than now. I’m having serious fun, fierce fun, and the personal stakes are very high for me.

So, now that I’ve been so annoying uninformative (laughing), can I ask about A Simple Kind of Man? What’s it about, and are you enjoying working on it? What’s it like for you?

I didn’t go to Screenwriting Expo, although I scoured the panel descriptions with longing and would love to be there sometime in the next couple of years, god willing and the creek don’t rise. I’m also dying to attend one of the three-week courses of TheFilmSchool here in Seattle –” intensive learning experiences work pretty well for me as a rule. The last six months have certainly been intense. I’ll look forward to talking more about it when I can.

How’s Bonnie? I remember her quote, “Love and work are both four-letter words” every time I feel like throwing something I’ve written against the wall–¦.

Back to serious fun. Happy Holidays to all.

Hope and happiness

I had been vacillating on whether to come on board and say hey ever since before last week’s Election Night. Reading this decided me.

Your more than gracious response to my own rant after the 2004 election came back to me unexpectedly in the days running up to this year’s election. I found a printout I had made of my rant and your response while cleaning the house and carried it with me as a talisman against the crippling fear of a repeat disappointment. I was terrified before the election, but only vaguely cognizant of what exactly I was afraid. Corruption, stolen elections, a continuation of the triumph of the politics of fear and hatred and lies. What you wrote about hope had to serve as a placeholder for my foundering hope for a few days until the election, which turned out much better than I had been hoping. So thank you again!

But this post has given me more food for words, as follows:

— First, I haven’t read Tracy Goss’ book, but based on your description, I think I’ve had a similar first reaction to yours. It just doesn’t read for me. If I’m following you, Goss’ point is that acceptance of hopelessness leads to freedom from fear and, as you quoted “…the opportunity, instead of giving up, to play with full engagement…” But without hope, what motivation does one have to show up in the first place? Why be fully engaged with no hope? In other words, if one does not have a ‘hope’ for a certain outcome in a given endeavor, why bother engaging in the endeavor at all? What is hope if not inherent motivation, a reason to go on? Maybe I’m splitting semantic hairs here, but acceptance of life as it is does not require for me letting go of hope. To let go of hope is, in a strong sense, letting go of life itself.

— Second, but relatedly, you ask “are hope and fear two sides of the same coin?” The metaphor implies that they are opposites, but I don’t think that’s true — I don’t feel that fear is the opposite or absence of hope, or vice versa. They co-exist, in some cases very closely, but I don’t see it as a 1-1 correlation. While they are sometimes connected, I don’t feel that the amount of hope one has directly determines the amount of fear one has (as if one could quantify emotion!) And I certainly don’t believe one must lose hope to conquer fear. I’ve seen too many folks conquer fear as a direct result of having hope to believe that.

— Finally, you ended with a wonderful Castaneda quote, which reminded me that I often use quotes as a source of solace, or joy, or hope. And one of the more hopeful new quotes I’ve encountered in the past year, one, in fact, I’ve often repeated to friends, family, co-workers, goes like this:

“I still believe in plans, but more and more, I think it’s a Plan B world.”
— Kelley Eskridge

Keep passing the open windows (—John Irving)

Adam D.


Hey Adam,

Lovely to hear from you. I was thinking about you at the elections, as a matter of fact. There was a certain amount of anxiety in our house too…. and at the same time, I believed it would turn out the way it did. Very gratifying, and in some sense so predictable. The wheel turns.

I can recommend the Goss book, if your definition of “recommend” includes wanting to throw a book at the wall but then being compelled to read it again just because…. And I don’t think I’ve represented it accurately (maybe not even coherently). But there is something about it that speaks to me lately.

I don’t think it’s so much that she is asking people to not bring hope to the party. Or maybe she is asking that — and maybe the real issue is what does each of us mean by hope, anyway? I think she’s saying that many people having a notion of hope as a kind of crutch, almost as a blueprint for “here’s how my life should be, and I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or until my life turns out this way.” I think what she’s trying to say is that kind of hope can hold us back, because instead of desire without expectation, we tie ourselves to a particular vision of how things should be, and then regard any variance from that as “failure.” And then our hope is “lost.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations lately. It’s been said that all anger is the result of failed expectations. I know that most personal conflict I’ve experienced comes down to disappointed expectations — I “expect” that strangers will honor the social compact and not cut me off on the highway, or be rude to me at Starbucks. I expect that my closest people will always be wise, kind, and respectful of my little personal quirks (along with being able to read my mind). Et cetera. I know that my greatest mistakes with other people happen when I write scripts in my head for how things should go in any particular interaction — and then discover, much to my surprise, that everyone else has failed to learn their lines, and in fact aren’t acting in my little play at all.

I have not let go of hope — in a big way, I’m all about hope and always will be. But I’ve been astonished by some of the things I’ve been able to do in the last year by releasing hope and instead just doing the thing I yearn to do, or the thing that needs to be done (which are sometimes the same and sometimes not). I don’t hope for the thing to work out in any particular way. I just do it and see what happens. I don’t assume that it’s “good” only if it works out the way I want it to. I don’t know how to explain it better right now, but it sure is making me think (grin).

I agree that hope and fear are not opposites. And I don’t think hope is in any way a bad thing. But I believe that hope gives fear a doorway into our lives. We fear the loss of what we hope for. Is it better sometimes to live without hope? Is it possible to live without hope and at the same time to not be “hopeless”? I dunno (scratches head).

Although, actually, that’s not true. I do know, in some ways. I no longer hope for a cure for MS, for example. I look at Nicola and give great thanks for my life with her. I don’t look at Nicola and think that if we only do the right thing, make the right choices, if only we are good, that she’ll be without MS someday. I no longer regard MS as something that might go away. It never will. Is that hopeless? Or is that simply moving hope out of the way so we can get on with our lives?

This doesn’t mean I never hope. I just don’t want hope for a particular thing to define my happiness.

I think I’m starting to climb down my own navel here. Apologies. And these are real questions, not rhetorical ones. Comments welcome.

I’m glad you like the Plan B quote. I still stand by it (grin). Here’s another one I like:

— Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
— How?
— I don’t know. It’s a mystery.
— Marc Norman and Tom Stoppard, Shakespeare in Love

The conversation

Hi, I saw the reply about you and Nic separating and was wondering, what makes your relationship work? It’s very rare to hear about couples succeeding in the long term — and you two still seem very happy, passionate, and seem to genuinely like each other. 🙂

Also, (if it’s not too personal) I was wondering why you chose not to have children? By the way, I love both yours and Nicola’s work and can’t wait until “Always” comes out next April and the “Solitaire” movie is out! Thanks for everything!

Candace


I’m not the goddess of all relationship wisdom (that would be Carolyn Hax). I don’t know that I have anything profound to say about it except that we love each other and we make it work. And that I think most of the credit belongs to Nicola.

There’s a story in a book called Fierce Conversations about a “typical marriage” (Is there such a thing? Who knew?) in which a husband wonders why his wife keeps wanting to talk about their relationship all the time. Couldn’t they just have one giant conversation about it every once in a while and move on? And then it finally occurs to him that the conversation isn’t about the relationship: the conversation is the relationship.

Nicola and I have a lot of conversations. Some are more fun than others. Some are very, very hard, but I know down to my toes it is better to have them than to keep silent. Knowing this has changed my criteria for important relationships. I don’t offer intimacy of any kind to people who aren’t willing to have the conversation.

We don’t have children because Nicola has multiple sclerosis, and because we decided that we would rather focus on taking care of each other than taking care of a child. I believe if we had a child, I wouldn’t have much of a life right now beyond service to the needs of others, and that’s not enough for me. Nicola and I would maybe not have had time for all those conversations (and beer, and writing, and exploring, and adventures…). I don’t regret any of that. I do occasionally mourn the lack of relationship with a teenage and adult child –- I think I’d have enjoyed that very much, found it very rewarding. No choice without loss.

We’re looking forward to Always (a fun, fine, fierce book, wonderful stuff). And wouldn’t it be fun to have the lights go down and Solitaire come up? I get a lot of pleasure imagining it….

More naked

Kelley,

First off — glad to hear you and Nicola are staying together!! I was sure worried about that. (Rolling eyes way into the back of my head.)

Thanks for taking the time to give me a thought filled answer here and here.

Your answer helped to clarify my “question”. (I put that in quotes because now I see it’s always been more of a felt observation rather than question.)

The issue has been one of you (as writer) being there naked on the page and what that experience is like for you. If I understand your answer you’re saying that when the writing comes out of you (the physical entity that you are) it is not you the personality of Kelley. Rather the writing is art, creativity, something other. You’ve cleared Kelley out of the way for whoever the fictional characters are. So, not only are the characters not you but in order for them to be real in their own way you Kelley, must absolutely NOT be present.

Seems clear enough. I get that. Then I must ask this one final question on the issue.

Are you Kelley ever surprised by what comes out when you open that door? When you Kelley go back to see what you Kelley-as-writer has written, are you ever surprised? (This is where Robin the psychologist, is hovering in anticipation.) Despite the rhetoric you use, the words and the characters are still coming out of you the physical entity. Your mind has “created” them. All along this is what I’ve meant by “seeing yourself naked on the page”. In this sense my use of ‘yourself’ is simply another word for the capability of your own mind.

This conversation has been helpful in ways you Kelley (grin) cannot imagine.

Hoping you and Nicola live forever!!

Robin


Thanks, I hope so too (big grin). And I hope you still mean it after you read this (another grin), because I’m about to do a 180 on you in some ways. Try not to throw anything….

This is an interesting conversation, and the timing is a bit spooky, since in the last months (even since July, when we last talked about this), how I think about writing has changed — maybe partly because of this conversation, who knows? So first, let me clarify a little more what I meant, if I can, and then talk about what’s new.

In all the times I have written novels and short stories, I’ve been present, but almost (in the best writing) as if standing to one side. Or maybe it’s more like trying to stand very, very still while a river runs out of me, the rush of story that can be so easily derailed if I’m not both relaxed and utterly focused. Like aikido, if you’ve ever practiced that art.

When I talk about getting out of my own way, it’s not that my personality disappears and some other writing force takes over. It is, in fact, all me. Perhaps “personality” is the wrong word. Perhaps what I mean is that those parts of me that are culturally constructed (or culturally constrained) need to be put away as much as possible.

I can’t write beyond my own limitations (as a writer and a person) unless I find a way to put those limitations off in the corner, preferably with a muzzle. If the characters in a story do or say things that I wouldn’t, feel things that I don’t (or, more to the point, things that I do feel but don’t want people to know about), I have to go there anyway, as honestly and completely as I can. I have to understand and embrace those things, make them imaginatively possible for me so I can make them accessible to the reader. No matter how unsettling it is for me.

I trained as an actor, and for a while I thought that’s what I’d do with my life. For me, writing is very much like acting. And so it occurs to me that my last answer to you wasn’t complete and wasn’t honest. Because it is all me there on the page, in some way that is not “Kelley Eskridge is Jackal Segura,” but rather “When you put these particular elements — situation, background, feelings, relationships, fears, hopes, et cetera — into the mind and soul and deep dark places of Kelley Eskridge, Jackal is the character that comes out.”

And that process makes those “fictional” experiences psychologically and emotionally real for me in ways that do reveal me, or change me, as a person and a writer. They do.

But that’s not the point of writing, and it can’t be the goal. If that process becomes too conscious, then result is self-indulgent and boring. So part of getting out of my own way is just letting the process happen without getting too bound up in it at the time, without stopping to think about what I’m exploring or revealing or changing. I may on some level choose to write a particular story so that I can have particular fictional experiences, but I’d better not know too much about that while I’m doing it — or it becomes all about me and the story suffers.

And to answer your question — Am I ever surprised by what I’ve written? — sometimes, yes, I really am. And sometimes I’m not surprised by what I’ve written, just surprised that I actually wrote it. That I actually went there. It’s not that my work is so brave in an absolute sense, but in fact I have explored things in fiction that I would never easily talk about in a group of strangers. And most of those things will never be noticed, because they aren’t outrageous enough to stick out as “yikes, look at that!”. They won’t attract anyone’s attention. They’re only outrageous, dangerous, naked if you’re me.

So, why the different answer now? Well, I’ve recently finished my first screenplay (“finish” is a relative term in that things can be rewritten pretty much until they’re on the screen…). It’s so far been a fascinating, intense experience, an E-ticket (for those of you who remember the old Disney theme park system of admission). It has, in fact, been like putting writing and acting and the solitary creative fall-down-the-hole process and all my collaborative skills into a blender. I am so happy.

And it has so far been a thousand times more fun than writing novels. Because it’s a screenplay — human behavior directly expressed through dialogue and action, without the veil of prose styling and metaphor and authorial musing — the fictional experiences have been equally direct. And it turns out I love that a lot. It’s exhilarating.

I’ve learned a ton, and have much more to learn. I have the great fortune to work with an executive producer who is smart, communicates well, and is in love with story. I have more joy from the work, and am more productive, than at any other time in my writing life. And I see myself naked on the page and in the process in ways that I’ve never imagined.

So there you go. Either I’ve really answered your question this time, or you’re ready to pour your beer over my head (laughing). Let me know which.

Cheers.

Never

Are you and Nicola separating?

anonymous


What the fuck? (And Nicola says, Huh?)

I am gobsmacked that anyone could read even a sliver of either Virtual Pint or Ask Nicola and come up with this. Are you just trying to wind me up?

But –” on the remote chance that this is a serious question, here you go. Nicola and I will never separate. We will be together until one of us is dead.

What are they putting in the water these days? (shakes head)

Agents

Hi! I have already asked a question, and I have just recently read the answer. First of all — I admire the fact that you take time and effort to help people. Second of all… I have an issue I would like to ask you as a professional about.

I have written a novel, which I have submitted to agencies, and I have already signed a contract with one. (Children’s Literary Agency). Later, I somehow went on the internet to see what books it has handled, and learnt that it is apparently on of the Top Twenty Worst agencies in USA , who charge, don’t work well and turn out to be a scam. I am quite scared about this. I really am. This could ruin things, couldn’t it?

So I started looking for new agents to see if I could find a new one and work with them instead. It is difficult so far — quite a few rejections. Do you have any advice for this serious issue?


First, if you don’t want to work with Children’s Literary Agency (or any other agent you might sign with), your contract should have some provision for ending the relationship. If it doesn’t, then write them a letter saying that you have reconsidered and will not be seeking representation from them.

If your contract says that you can’t end the relationship, well, don’t believe it. And don’t be surprised if they get a little aggressive with you, and try to “persuade” you into staying with them. Don’t let them intimidate you. No one owns your work until you sell them the rights, and no one “owns” the right to represent you without your fully-informed consent. The worst that would ever happen is that if you work with an agent to sell a book to a publisher, and then you leave the agency, that agency still collects commissions on the future sales of the book they helped you sell. And that’s it. So don’t back down in the face of any bullshit you might get.

There are many wonderful agents in the world, and there are some real rip-off artists. It’s up to every writer to a) do some research (which you are doing, props to you), and b) remember that a bad agent is worse than no agent at all. That can be hard, especially when people make promises that they will get you published if you just sign up with them, pay their reading fees, use the “professional editors” they recommend (or that they say the publisher insists on), et cetera.

The bottom line is that a reputable agent will never charge you an upfront fee to represent you. Never never never. Real agents are paid commission only on what they actually sell for you. They get paid when the publisher cuts a check. They may charge you expenses like FedEx or copying, but only for what they actually sell.

A reputable agent will never insist that you use a “professional editing” service as a condition of representation. Never never never. If an agent doesn’t think your work is ready for publication, she’ll usually reject it. Occasionally, she may work with you to improve the manuscript, but generally agents just don’t have time to groom writers.

There are some excellent resources online that can help you identify piranha-agents. The Absolute Write website has a “Bewares and Background Checks” forum where people talk about agents and scam artists. (In fact, they have an entire thread about The Literary Agency Group, of which Childrens Literary Agency is a part.

Also check Writer Beware.

Finally, you can check Publishers Marketplace. Although it’s a subscription site, they do offer a free-to-all search function that will allow you to search for information on agents.

And you’ll find more of my thoughts on how to choose and approach agents here.

And please remember that agents are a part of the giant relationship web of publishing, and that working with an agent that editors and publishers don’t respect is no help to you. Having an agent is kinda sorta like getting married –- it really does matter who you choose. Any so-called agent who promises that if you work with them you will be published is a lying toad (or very very new at their job). Some of the best work in the world never sells, and some of the biggest crap does, and that’s just the way it is. A good agent will understand your work and your goals, help you improve and refine them, be your champion, and have all kinds of strategies for getting your work in front of the right people. But they will never promise you that they have the magic bullet to getting published. There is no magic bullet.

The very best of luck with this, and let me know if I can be of any more help.

Hope and hopelessness

I just read the question about the election and hope. Wow. That is about the best thing I have read in a long time. I wish I’d had those words these long years of exile from my country (I’m an American living abroad because my partner is British, not because of Bush). Thanks for such inspiring words.

J.E. Knowles


And thank you right back, because I read the post again in order to talk to you now, and it turns out that I need to be reminded right now about hope. Not so much in terms of the government — I’m afraid that I have, at least for now, lost my energy to engage with the soul-numbing horror and stupidity that churns out of the Bush administration on a daily basis — but on a more personal level.

Hope is a concept that occasionally turns my head inside out. It’s a huge, huge part of who I am. And (or But) sometimes it’s challenged pretty radically. There’s a book I read a while back that I go back to fairly often because it smacks down a lot of my ideas about hope, but (or and) I think it’s at least partly right. It’s called The Last Word On Power, by Tracy Goss, and it’s ostensibly a business book, except that’s not why I keep reading it. What I come back to again and again is that Goss urges the reader

to accept — as if accepting a gift — these statements:

Life does not turn out the way it “should.”
Nor does life turn out the way it “shouldn’t.”
Life turns out the way it does.

When I say “life,” I mean your life: the life of the person reading this book. And by “the way it should,” I mean the way you most deeply hope life will turn out, the way you have always expected it ought to turn out in order to be meaningful.
— from The Last Word on Power by Tracy Goss

And then she goes on to suggest that going through ‘the eye of the needle of hopelessness’ is a necessary step — and that we can meet this hopelessness with acceptance or resignation. And that acceptance leads to the freedom to take any stand, any action, to attempt whatever you think is good and fail spectacularly regardless of the consequences, if that’s what happens. She says, “Acceptance gives you the opportunity, instead of giving up, to play with full engagement, free from the fear about how things will turn out.”

The first time I read this book, this made me so mad that I actually threw the book across the room. But after many re-readings, I understand what she means, and I don’t disagree. I’m just not sure I am brave enough to believe that I can accept ‘hopelessness’ without feeling hopeless. Because feeling hopeless and bitter and twisted (the resignation she talks about) is not the point. The point is to feel free of fear, and to therefore be bold, to take chances, to make outrageous choices, to be as much of oneself as one wishes to be.

In other words, to be what I’ve always hoped I could be. Except without the hope.

This makes my head hurt, and scares the bejesus out of me because I think she might be right, and where does that leave all my hope stuff? And yet, of course, on some level Solitaire is about this journey through the eye of hopelessness, even though I had not read the Goss book before I wrote the novel.

I certainly haven’t been able to let go of either hope or fear in my life. And the question I wrestle with is, are hope and fear two sides of the same coin? Is it necessary to lose hope in order to conquer fear? This one’s more than a pint, it’s a pitcher. I’d be interested to hear what folks have to say.

And finally, I’m not sure how all this is related, but here is a quote I currently love. It’s the epigraph to The Teachings Of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda.

Para mi solo recorrer los caminos que tienen corazon, cualquier camino que tenga corazon. Por ahi yo recorro, y la unica prueba que vale es atravesar todo su largo. Y por ahi yo recorro mirando, mirando, sin aliento.
— from The Teachings of Don Juan by Carlos Castaneda

For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel looking, looking, breathlessly.

Small reasons

Kelley said: “Other points of view are more flexible. One of the things I love about Stephen King’s work is his facility in wandering in and out of everyone’s heads, primary and secondary characters, and combining their real-time thoughts with memory, behavior, observation and feeling to paint a complex picture in a few simple strokes. He’s fantastic at creating character.”

Sticking my thoughts into this: I think also what King does so well is motivation. I guess that’s really covered in “creating character” but it’s a distinction that I like to make because so many writers don’t nail what makes people or any other thing such as a dog or a car do what they do as well as he does.

Sly


I totally agree. People hardly ever do things in a psychological vacuum. But often, the reasons are so…. small. So everyday. An accumulation of little wants, small frustrations, bad choices that seem unimportant at the time. Or just the desire to stand for a minute longer with one’s face in the sun, or stop for ice cream. King has a gift for making those things interesting and recognizable, and for picking the ones that matter most in the character’s overall behavior in the story. What his people do, and why, almost always matters later on in the story.

King has such a generosity toward his characters, even the ones we aren’t really meant to like. He’s always willing to inhabit them, to see them from the inside out. I think that’s what makes it possible for the reader to see them too.

Sunshine

Why do you love Nicola?

anonymous


Well. I have been holding this question for ages (with apologies to anonymous), because it’s really a moving target. Some days it seems like the only proper answer is ‘œDuh.’ Other days it’s the entire 18 years’ list of ups and downs and sideways that we have been together.

The answer you are getting today is not about how much I admire her fine mind and body and spirit, how much fun we have, the values that we share, the hard times we’ve overcome. Today’s answer is that I love Nicola because she gives me, every day, the chance and the choice to be myself, even if I decide sometimes to be the smallest self instead of the biggest.

Nobody makes me brave or strong, or any of the other hard things in the world that I aspire to. But Nicola makes me want to be those things as much as I can. I try harder because of her. And so I am more of myself, more of the things I want to be. And when I’m not brave and strong and true and fantabulous, she loves me anyway.

The thing is, love isn’t really about the other person. It’s about ourselves. It’s about how we feel, who we are, in the sunshine of the other.

Naked

Ho Kelley! Have thrown back a few from the stool here and thought I might try to respond. Cheers baby!

I agree with what you said about truthful prose combining physical, emotional/psychological truth. In addition the cultural, national, religious, sexual, (‘ingredients’ ) etc. history of the person must have the appearance of consistency.

My first response (as a reader) is: Many fiction stories I read (even some non-fiction) seem to supply very limited psychological information for the characters/people to be the way they are. And in that sense do not feel “truthful”. This is the case even when most of the other ingredients are accounted for. Of course, I’m a psychologist. So, could there be enough??? The thing I’ve learned in listening to many, many stories from clients over the years — is that despite everything I’ve already heard and know, there was no way to predict how the next person would react to a similar situation. This is what I find so . . . boring . . . about a lot of fiction. There is not enough variation in how characters respond to even the most common situations.

And yes, there often does seem to be a rush to explain complexities of character. So, I don’t want the writer to beat me over the head with it but I also need enough to have a thread to grasp so that I can use my imagination and thoughtfulness to fill in the blanks. So the question for me (as a writer) becomes: how deep do I have to go, what sort of examples from the past or from the character’s thought process, etc., do I have to put out there so the character makes sense, is complex and shows consistency? And, how many characters within the story do I have to do that with? I mean in the example you gave from Solitaire, Mist tells Jackal it’s hard to always have to be nice to her. It’s a great example of characterization for Jackal, but tells us virtually nothing about Mist. I remembered reading that and I know my thought was something like “then don’t be, say what you think” and then wondering why she would say such a thing in the first place. Or another way of asking and again only for illustration — would it have been more helpful to understand the development of the psychology of Jackal’s mother to better understand its impact on Jackal???

. . . . so to get back to my original question . . . to be truthful, in revealing the character in physical, emotional, psychological depth, do you feel revealed? Does it ever feel like taking your clothes off in front of strangers? And, I’m not asking in a real sense, I mean it more like . . . when you’re sitting in front of the story and trying to get out what you mean, what is truthful for the character — in the silence of your own mind, in the privacy of your own home — do you ever feel like that? Like you’ve just peeled off all your clothes and are naked there on the page? The question is not about the truth you reveal about yourself to me as reader, but to yourself ABOUT YOURSELF.

I’ll have to find another way to talk about the rest of the question I’m trying to ask.

Perhaps I’ve fallen off the stool. Let me get another . . .

Robin


Hi Robin,

You’ve been very patient, thanks. I’ve been eyebrows-deep in a project for the last six weeks or so, but have been circling back to your question and chewing on it during that time. I think I understand it better, but I’m not sure that I can answer in a way that’s any more satisfying for you (grin). Let’s see how this one goes.

You’ve asked a writing question (how deep to go and what to show) and a writer question (what do I reveal to myself about myself), so…. writing first. It’s hard to talk about this, because so much of it is instinct (by which I really mean, practice and expertise so deeply integrated at this point that I no longer know how to talk about it as decision-making process). But I’ll take a whack at it.

It occurs to me that it’s in large part a function of the challenges of writing from a single, deep point of view. Solitaire is Jackal’s story, so as a writer I’ve tried to go deep with her, and then show in other characters whatever she needs to see in order to interact with them. In that example with Mist: we’ve already had a previous interaction (brandy and orange juice is disgusting), and we’ve been privy to some of Jackal’s opinions of Mist — she’s a fashionista, someone Jackal feels unconsciously superior to, someone she regards as fundamentally shallow, etc. And so in the interchange, Jackal is surprised by not only what Mist says, but how deeply she seems to feel about it. And since it’s Jackal’s story, we only get to know or see what Jackal wants (or is forced to) know or see. Jackal isn’t focused, in that moment, in wondering why Mist is who she is: she’s focused on herself, her own insecurity and embarrassment.

Would it help to understand Donatella’s psychological history to better understand its impact on Jackal? I guess my response is, helpful for whom? (That’s a real question, not me being snarky). In that moment, Jackal doesn’t need it — again, she’s focused on herself, trying to cope with the experience. Later, the reader gets the information that Donatella’s always been competitive in this way, and also the memory of the rescue on the cliffs. But Jackal doesn’t spend a lot of time dissecting her mother’s psychology. Jackal’s an impatient soul, more into doing than reflecting, which is how she gets herself into trouble sometimes.

I think that writing in this way (from a single, deep point of view) is a lot like the physical transmission of television: all the black on a TV image is not black pixels being beamed to my TV set, it’s the absence of any data at all that my brain interprets as black. If I’m doing my job as a writer, the reader will fill in the blank spots for herself because that’s what Jackal is doing.

Other points of view are more flexible. One of the things I love about Stephen King’s work is his facility in wandering in and out of everyone’s heads, primary and secondary characters, and combining their real-time thoughts with memory, behavior, observation and feeling to paint a complex picture in a few simple strokes. He’s fantastic at creating character.

As for the writer question, well…. No. I don’t feel naked on the page with myself. And I’m guessing this is not the answer you expect (I won’t presume to guess what answer you want), because it’s pretty much a cultural given that writers do expose themselves in their work, so it makes sense that it would start “at home,” so to speak.

But no, that’s not how I feel. When I write, it’s not about me, and I mean that in lots of ways. I do not write “about Kelley” in fiction — that’s what the virtual pub is for. I learn a lot more about my own psychology and process in the act of writing these pints than I do in the act of writing fiction. Fiction is not self-analysis. It’s story. It’s the joy of walking through the door in my head and finding myself in another place with people that I grow to understand and to love. And I am both there and not there during that experience — I’m there, in the story, sometimes in their heads and sometimes as an observer, but it doesn’t matter that I’m Kelley Eskridge, it doesn’t matter who I am in the daily waking world or why I behave the way I do. I’m not there to reveal myself to me or anyone else, and if I do experience a self-revelation, it will damn sure derail the writing. All that matters is that the writer is there with space in her heart and mind and soul for all manner of human behavior and feeling and action and relationship. The writer is the doorway. The writer is the physical transmission process for this TV of the mind. And Kelley had better get out of the writer’s way if anything true is to be written. Because it’s not my truth but the truth of the story that is important. Something doesn’t have to be true for Kelley in order for it to be true for the character — the writer’s job is to make space for everyone.

This probably sounds like I think that “I” am not “the writer,” but that’s not what I mean. The relationship between art and craft and artist is pretty complex. Craft is learned behavior that has to become instinctive, integrated, in order for the art to emerge and the artist to function. The writer has to both know, and not know, what she is doing in the moment of creation — be both hyperaware and deliberately not looking. The writer must control and surrender, simultaneously. It’s like riding a bicycle with no hands, something I enjoyed immensely as a child, which is surprising considering that I was in almost every other way physically risk-aversive. Writing, like those bicycle moments, is a rush that only happens (in my experience) after a lot of bloody hard work and a fair amount of falling on one’s ass. It cannot be done if the writer is busy looking at whether or not she herself is on the page in any way. If I am looking for the truth of myself in the work, I am missing the point. It’s not about me. The writer doesn’t give a shit about me — whether I’m tired or grumpy or wrestling with Big Identity Issues. The writer want to write. I’m finally learning that I am happiest when I get out of my own damn way and thereby help the writer, the opener of deep doorways, do our work.

And that’s the best that I know how to describe it right now. It seems like a clumsy description, and maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the most naked I can get about it.

Let me know what you think.